Stateside once more.

I'll leave you with this, and happy holidays!

3 Traveler Techniques For Adjusting After Being Abroad

In many ways, coming home after living overseas is even harder than leaving. For one, you’ve changed in hundreds of perceptible and imperceptible ways. For another, so has everyone else – despite the fact you did not give them permission to continue with their lives after you left (Rude!). Suddenly all the familiar stuff you took for granted seems strange and alien, and you find yourself itching to purchase the plane ticket for your next adventure. But before you repack that suitcase, here are three techniques to ease the transition:

1) Take the backseat to everyone else.

The last six months or two years or whatever have been monumental; it’s only natural to expect everyone to listen to your updates with rapturous attention. But chances are some pretty big stuff has been going down while you’ve been M.I.A. as well – engagements, funerals, graduations, babies – so playing audience first and foremost is a great way to show you’re not just a narcissistic asshole.

2) Prepare two stories, maximum.

When your turn does come, restrict yourself to one or two of your greatest memories (and nothing longer than five to ten minutes). Remember, there is a reason why you’re the one who went abroad and they didn’t: this stuff just means more to you. It’s like if your buddy suddenly really got into ant farming, or that guy you never saw again after he downloaded Minecraft. Your friends love you, so they’ll put up with the retelling of the time you drunkenly fell off the tuk-tuk, but not because they think it’s as funny as you do.

3) Stay one year, minimum.

This one has always proven hardest for me to keep, ramblin’ man/rolling stone/jet plane leaver that I am. About three months after settling back into your old life, you will become profoundly bored and begin nonchalantly browsing Expedia for deals to Buenos Aires. But book nothing, if only for the sake of your piecemeal resume. Traveling is like a drug, and users everywhere are always looking for the next hostel high. By staying put for a year or more, you’re giving yourself a chance to set down some roots and remember why you called this home in the first place. That doesn’t mean you won’t be off adventuring in the near future – you’re just making sure you have a world to come back to afterwards.

An open plea to the writers of FOX’s ‘New Girl.’

First off, let me just say, good work.

I only started watching 72 hours ago and am already catlady-level crazy about the show. I’ve watched every episode at least four times and even begun frequenting other blogs for news and updates. Yeah, I’m that guy.

This is largely due to the will they/won’t they couple of Nick and Jess, hailed as the “Ross and Rachel” of our time. Their onscreen chemistry has been painfully palpable since the pilot, and with every teasing glance and lopsided smile, you’ve drawn me further into your unrequited television hell.

But I’m fine with that. Honestly, I am. In fact, I encourage you to draw out the torture for as long as you’d like. There’s only one condition: they have to end up together.

I saw in some interview you admitted you’d let these two characters come together, but – and I write this whilst squeezing my eyes shut in absolute anguish – that they’d settle down with other people.

Unacceptable.

I know that as a lowly fangirl, I do not hold much sway. After all, it’s a business and the almighty dollar has final vote. So I will try to convince you not from the heart, but from the wallet.

Let Jess and Nick stay together. They can break up and make up as many times as you’d like to rile up your ratings, but let these two kids make it in this crazy, mixed up world. And if you do, I promise to buy every season on iTunes with all the silly behind-the-scenes bloopers and any soundtracks you choose to release. I will buy a “Nick + Jess 4 Eva” tee if that’s what it takes, I don’t care. Just don’t break them up.

I know one person’s promise might not mean much, but I bet I’m not the only viewer who feels this way. So listen to your audience, FOX, and thanks again for the cool show.

The single girl’s guide to dating a Bond villain.

Each month, I travel to Hong Kong to enjoy a few meals, do a little shopping, and bask in the awe-inspiring glory that is unrestricted internet access. It’s how I’m able to maintain my sanity and/or post on this blog, and these day trips have become the highlight of my time here.

Last November was no different; clad in my sweatpants and magnificently un-showered, I shuffled my way into the city to take advantage of the holiday sales and surprisingly tasty cheeseburgers.

But then things got interesting: On my way back to the university, I met a Hungarian doctor by the name of – I kid you not – István Kiss. He was thirty-two, here on business, and bore a striking resemblance to Jeremy Renner. His charm, good looks, and persistent ambiguity about what he was doing in China intrigued me. Or, it would have were I not covertly attempting to subdue my hair in the substantial downpour.

But why's he taking off... Never mind, keep doing what you're doing.

He handed me his card and told me he wanted to take me to dinner. I tried to return with some witty response, but inhaled several gallons rainwater instead. As I hacked up a lung and he disappeared into the night, and ran my thumb over his name.

The things a girl has to do in the name of research.

Bond... James Bond,
A

4 Reasons To Visit To Cambodia Right NOW

Of all the places I have visited while insisting on being referred to as “Lady Croft,” Cambodia was by far and beyond my favorite. Yes, eating street food that one time during monsoon season was probably a mistake – but something about the country gets under your skin, like the residual Agent Orange dusting the plant life.

1) It’s affordable.

Tourism is a relatively new venture for the kingdom, so travel costs are scandalously low to our Western sensibilities. Though the airfare may be daunting, staying and playing in Cambodia is doable for even the most penny-pinching of backpacker – at least for now.

2) The sightseeing.

I wasn’t kidding about the Tomb Raider-worthy adventuring: The temple complex near Siem Reap was one of the locations for the first film, and it looks just as cool (actually, cooler) in person as on the screen. Since few tourists are brave enough to add it to their itineraries, these ruins, as well as many other sights across the country, have been left unmolested by the Disneyfication you see at so many other big landmarks.

3) It’s unexplored.

It wasn’t too long ago that Cambodia was a nation brutally ravaged by civil war, but since that time this former French colony has undergone tremendous economic and societal development. Nevertheless, few travelers dare venture to this corner of Southeast Asia, and that translates into better bragging rights for those who have the cojones.

4) The history.

In 1975, one-fourth of the Cambodian population was killed by the Khmer Rouge under the leadership of Pol Pot. Evidence of the regime endures in the form of museums, publications, and the scarcity of individuals over the age of forty. Simultaneously a land of ancient wonders and recent genocide, Cambodia refuses to be defined by any one thing – another way of ensuring that there is sincerely something for everyone.

So take a chance on Cambodia. Parade the palaces, tour the temples, and meander the museums. Immerse yourself in a culture that redefined what it means to be a survivor. Just be careful during monsoon season with the street food.

3 Reasons Why J. Crew Should Start Selling Children

My love affair with J. Crew started casually. We met at a frat party and flirted across a sequined cardigan with structured stitching. Soon we were spending the weekend boat shoes together and coming home to meet my parents for holiday cocktail dresses. It was only a matter of time before they asked to walk me down the aisle in a satin strapless bodice with pearl-studded fascinator. Were we moving too fast? Who’s to say? But now they keep hinting at cashmere burping blankets and I’m just not sure if I’m ready for that kind of commitment. Then again...

GAH.

1) They come in every size and color.

Are you American Classic? French Country? I guarantee you J. Crew carries the child that fits your fashion.

2) They never go out of style.

With exception to a brief period during the early 90’s, children have always been considered must-have accessories.

3) They have a return policy.

Maybe the fit is off, or you ordered too many pairs. Whatever the reason, regretful parents needn’t feel obligated anymore – no questions asked. Heck, even if you take off their tags, you can always put ‘em up on EBay!

5 Reasons Why You Might Be Robin Scherbatsky

It’s no secret that I watch too much T.V. No matter what country or what hospital I’m in, I always find a way to keep up on my favorite series. How I Met Your Mother happens to be one of those series, and Robin Scherbatsky – the no-nonsense, hard-hitting journalist – happens to be one of my favorites.

I know I’m not alone in this (the show is in its eighth season, after all). So for every lady out there who’d rather travel the world than plan a wedding, or’d choose a Ferrari over a baby, here’s to you.

1) You love a scotch that’s old enough to order its own scotch.

I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Unfortunately, most Chinese think that a glass of wine makes you a hardcore alcoholic. I’ve resigned myself to taking shots of Nutella instead.

2) You’re not exactly the biggest confronter of feelings.

Why have The Talk when there are so many great things to do with the human mouth (see above)?

3) You think fighting is sexy.

No, I do not... a lot!

4) You have five dogs.

Honestly, I only have one dog. More honestly, she’s really kind of a squirrel. But in Thailand, I did find myself with five orphaned puppies (don’t worry, they all found good homes), so yeah. I get it.

5) Whenever you’re feeling lonely or depressed you go to the shooting range.

And it reminds you... guns are fun! When I was five, my deer-hunting grandpa let me fire his shotgun – less fun. Then, while briefly living in Virginia, I ultimately discovered the awesomeness that is a shooting range.

Next on the list? Archery and wilderness survival. That, or becoming a Canadian pop star. Toss up.

The 6 Stages Of Starbucks Obsession

It starts innocently enough: You catch sight of the naked green mermaid and get a hankering for decaf latte and assorted pastry. Maybe you pick up a coffee blend for later – the one with the cartoon lady riding a bicycle – or peruse the obscure indie CD’s pouting near the counter. Suddenly you’re there every weekend, shooting annoyed glances at the teenagers on the couch from behind the screen of your MacBook. Before long you’re the guy who corrects people’s pronunciation of “espresso” and carries around a Moleskine notebook for your nonfiction novel.

This image is my version of porn.

1) You have a favorite roast.

This assumes that you have consumed enough of the signature Starbucks blends to have distinguished between them. You probably also know how to make an Americano. It is time to reevaluate your life choices.

2) You follow them on Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Pinterest.

Starbucks is not your pal. Yeah, they probably know you more intimately than your 900 Facebook “friends,” but they are still just a faceless corporation. I don’t care what the Supreme Court says.

3) You know about the secret menu.

Have you ever ordered a Chocolate Dalmatian? Perhaps you’re more in the mood for the Three C’s? GTFO, n00b.

4) You downloaded the app – and you use it.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT! THEY GIVE YOU FREE MUSIC DOWNLOADS EVERY WEEK!

5) You rely on the seasonal drinks like a calendar.

The Pumpkin Spice Latte is my Punxsutawney Phil. It just isn’t fall until I taste that sweet, cinnamon-y deliciousness. And I’m not the only one: Back in October, the Wall Street Journal ran a story about a nationwide shortage that featured more than one quote from costumers in crisis.

6) You write humorous articles about Starbucks that reveal an intimate personal knowledge of the brand.

I regret nothing.

3 Ex-Pat Secrets For Beating Homesickness

One of the best/worst lessons in life is that you never outgrow homesickness. You don’t need to travel to world to experience it, either; sometimes it’s as simple as that first Thanksgiving away at college, or when you realize home is a place you visit, not live. On the bright side, you know you have something pretty wonderful if you’re missing it so dang much. On the other, screw you! I want my mom!

1) Get thee to a grocery store.

Locate the mac n’ cheese. Purchase. Consume. It’ll help, honestly. Whatever ails you, sometimes you just need that touch of home to pull you through. So let go of the guilt and embrace the carbs – all that weeping you were doing probably burned the calories anyway.

2) Downloadeth a movie.

My cure-all happens to be Father of the Bride since it could serve as documentary footage of the Lopez’s. For your family, it might be Ghostbusters, or Star Wars. Maybe you watched Home Alone every winter or The Sandlot every summer. I don’t know, but find it and watch it and cry and laugh. You’ll feel better.

3) Write thyself a blog.

If you’re out having adventures, record them. If not, plan them. Keep looking forward – or, at least, not looking back – and suddenly the separation will become a little more bearable. Sure, you have some awesome memories from home, but you have even more kickass ones just over the horizon. Rise up and meet them so that next time around the dinner table, you’ll have the stories to share.

The 8 Most Bizarre Superstitions Of Modern China

Superstitions are weird. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or which ancient god demands your blood: We treat our superstitions with equal parts embarrassment and reverence. And really, what’s the harm in that? So you throw a little salt over your shoulder or handle that mirror more gently... You’re just taking precautions! It’s like buying life insurance!

Well, no, it isn’t. Because while you are statistically guaranteed to die at some point, it is slightly less likely that...

1) Clipping your nails at night invokes the dead.

I’m not going to lie: I have been fighting temptation to try this one out. I mean, worst case scenario, I end up throwing a spa night with the ghouls. I figure we’ll braid each other’s hair, gush about Channing Tatum, maybe send a flirty text to the undead’s crush... all in all, a delightful Saturday night.

2) Wearing an untidy moustache causes bad luck.

Poor hipsters. Who knew what kind of angry discrimination they’d have to face, what with their ironic suspenders and terrible, terrible musical tastes. Really, China – you’re better than this.

3) Pointing at the moon makes your earlobes fall off.

4) Putting dog eye juice on your face lets you see ghosts.

I’ve been on ghost tours everywhere from San Francisco to New Orleans and have yet to meet even one measly eternally damned soul doomed to wander the Earth forever. If I had known all it took was a touch of canine eye drippings, I would’ve smuggled my Yorkie into United Airline’s overhead compartment.

5) Hitting someone with a broom means years of bad luck (for the hitter).

Does that mean I have to quit the IQA team?

6) Sensing “unclean” spirits causes babies to cry.

I hate babies. Well, maybe “hate” is too strong a word – I just want all children acting out in public to be lightly tasered... Yeah, OK, “hate” was better.

7) Dreaming about teeth or snow means your parents are dead.

In many countries, watching Snow Dogs is tantamount to manslaughter.

8) During New Year’s, don’t sweep floors, close windows, buy shoes, borrow books, or carry pointy things.

From what I understand, this has something to do with the Cantonese translation of those words sounding similar to other ones (Like if you tried to win the lottery by doing... erm... pottery? I’m not good at examples.). People take this deadly serious – to the point they keep brooms under lock and key – and not even the younger generations are willing to take the chance.

These superstitions may just be a small piece of the Old World, but they are one that fortunately refuses to die. And you don’t even need animal eye goo to witness.

The ultimate playlist for your zombie apocalypse and/or family holiday.

There is a very particular segment of the population that maintains a functioning Zombie Apocalypse Contingency Plan. Fortunately, those people are the same ones who are currently reading this blog instead doing the homework/housework/work-work they should be doing. Welcome, friend!

Chinese society, on the other hand, is extremely superstitious – a fact I’ve exploited to encourage good behavior in my students (i.e. terror and panic). The mere mention of ghosts, goblins, or Tom Cruise sends my coworkers scurrying in self-defecation, so I tend to tone down the macabre during office hours.

Nevertheless, I recently found out that my school, defiantly located in the middle of nowhere, was also built on top of an ancient Chinese burial ground. Obviously, this is not an educational aspect the academic officials wish to emphasize. However, it also seems like only a matter of time before the zombies rise up and wreak their revenge. And I’m not going down without a fight.

So whether you’re facing Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws or staring down the barrel at a horde of flesh-eaters, this playlist is guaranteed to get you through:

You Give Love a Bad Name – Bon Jovi

Bad – Michael Jackson

Welcome to the Jungle – Guns N’ Roses

Back in Black – AC/DC

Crazy Train – Ozzy Osbourne

Highway to Hell – AC/DC

A Little Less Conversation – Elvis Presley

Bad to the Bone – George Thorogood

It’s My Life – Bon Jovi

Flash’s Theme – Queen

(Honorable mention! Radar Love – Golden Earring)

Give ‘em hell,
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The best Will Ferrell movie you’ll never see.

As you’ve probably guessed, I watch a lot of Will Ferrell movies. Something about the combination of the relatable and the ridiculous makes even the worst day good again. And as a California native, I am legally required to produce one (1) screenplay each time I want to renew my driver’s license. So here it is, The Best Will Ferrell Movie You’ll Never See:

Young Buck Thorton (Will Ferrell) is a child prodigy – under the careful tutelage of his father, he becomes a world-renowned racehorse jockey and brings fame and fortune to his family’s farm. Despite the success, his mother lives in constant fear that her son will be fatally injured. Soon tragedy strikes: Breeding a horse too fierce for even him to control, Buck’s father is eaten by a black foal mere moments after being delivered.

Buck continues to race, but a series of losses cause the farm to steadily decline over the next few years (the fact that he grows into a 6’1” man might also be a factor). When Buck’s mother dies – heartbroken from selling off the last piece of family land – she confesses that Buck truly has a gift, and encourages him to find the black foal again.

Buck then travels the country as a horse whisperer, sharing an almost magical bond with animals but incapable of speaking to human women. He tracks the black foal to professional show jumper, Elizabeth Verilly (Christina Applegate), training for the USEF Grand Prix Nationals. Buck manages to get hired as a groom at her stable, but the foal is now a large and dangerous stallion and too aggressive to get near.

Elizabeth’s trainer, Mark Cotchett (Zach Galifianakis), is ready to give up on the black stallion when he witnesses some of Buck’s horse whispering magic. He promotes Buck to assistant trainer and moves him from the barn to the Verilly estate. Over dinner, Buck is immediately smitten with Elizabeth, though too shy to say a word.

When Elizabeth’s prized mare is injured in a freak trail riding accident, it looks like the team will have to forfeit the USEF trials. However, Buck stops them from withdrawing by suggesting the newly gentled black stallion as a replacement. Despite her trainer’s hesitation, Buck teaches Elizabeth how to ride the wild horse, eventually causing her to fall in love with him, too.

Mark, Elizabeth, and Buck finally arrive at the venue for the USEF Nationals. However, the stallion spooks while unloading from the trailer and in the resulting confusion breaks Elizabeth’s leg. Elizabeth makes Buck promise to ride in her place, pointing out they’ve worked too hard to give up now. Buck agrees and gets on the black stallion, winning the competition and finally making peace with his troubled past.

Parodying classic equestrian films (Black Beauty, The Black Stallion, and National Velvet, to name a few), the story should maintain its sincerity while seizing the many, many opportunities for Ferrell’s character to get hit in the nuts. And with the success of sports epics like Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, can a horseback riding movie really be that far behind? The answer is a resounding neigh.

License renewed,
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3 Easy Ways To Lose Weight While Traveling

There was a scene in the film, Se7en, in which a guy who looks like your average StarCraft player is found having basically eaten himself to death. Now, I’ve looked into the research surrounding food-related fatalities, and it is startlingly deficient in Brad Pitt. As a result, I have come to the conclusion that it is time we travelers put down our umbrella-clad drinks and start solving crime instead. Wait, no, that wasn’t it... I mean we should start getting in shape, improving our health, and refuse to ship our decapitated heads FedEx.*

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!"

1) High-carb.

Not too many people know this about me, but I used to write as a blogger for PETA. At the time, it seemed like the perfect combination of my love for animals and of making obscure 1980’s film references. One caveat, however, was a contractual obligation to be vegan.

You can imagine, for a girl who’s been known to drive four hours out of Oregon just to reach an In-N-Out, how much of a challenge this was. But fresh off my collegiate hippie phase and as intimately familiar with Boca as any Bay Area resident, I managed just fine.

Pros: Your healthcare provider will no longer quietly weep in the corner while you cheerfully butter your bacon.

Cons: Even vegans can turn into Stay Puft on a diet of draft beer and fries.

2) Low-carb.

Are you currently living in a country that considers rice a utensil? Is it impossible for you to brush your hair without pastry flaking from your scalp? If you answered yes, then you might be the perfect candidate for low-carb dieting! It’s simple, really – just make a list of everything delicious in your life. Now throw that list away because for the next several weeks, the world is a dark and cruciferous place.

Pros: Results are immediate and, depending where you go, you’ll likely fit right in since Asian women swear by this.

Cons: You’d suck down your shampoo like a smoothie if it contained fruit extracts.

3) Or, you know, just exercise once in a while.

Part of the fun of traveling to a new country is getting to experiment with all of the exotic dishes and deep-fried faunae they specialize in. And as such, I have devised a most elegant solution: Move.

It doesn’t have to be a lot – just taking the stairs at the airport coupled with a smidgen of sightseeing. And beyond the chaffing of the first 24-hours, it’s actually a pretty painless way to go.

Pros: Outside of L.A., walking is a socially acceptable activity.

Cons: Oh, I’m sorry. We’re you expecting recommendations of green tea extract and monkey placenta? Bitch, please.

*I am not a medical doctor. However, if you’d like to send me your health insurance copay, please make checks payable to:

Consumer Advocates for Systematic Healthcare (CASH)
Zhuhai City, Guangdong Province
The People’s Republic of China

6 Completely Objective Reasons Why 'The Simpsons' Is The Best Show On Television

I have been watching the popular animated series, The Simpsons, for as long as I can remember. Both my parents were huge fans, and soon indoctrinated my brother and me in Matt Groening’s strange, yellow universe. Even if you’ve never seen the show, chances are you are familiar with its legacy: Mark Liberman, director of the Linguistic Data Consortium, once remarked, “The Simpsons has apparently taken over from Shakespeare and the Bible as our culture’s greatest source of idioms, catchphrases and sundry other textual allusions.” So love ‘em or hate ‘em, here’s why this humble little cartoon is in actuality the best show on television.

1) It’s old.

The cartoon family first debuted on The Tracey Ullman Show in December of 1989, which formally makes it older than 97% of the people who read this blog. Respect your elders!

2) It’s current.

“D’oh!” “Yoink!” “Meh...” Any number of perfectly cromulent words have had their influence embiggened because of this show. Is it an internet meme? Then The Simpsons already did it.

3) It’s cultured.

Sure, pop culture is a given. But even highbrow humor has its place in Springfield. Politics, fine art, literature, and etiquette have all been featured at one time or another with enough derision to make any self-respecting gentleman’s monocle shatter on sight.

4) It’s religious.

Fun fact: I actually wrote my senior college term paper on the portrayal of religion in The Simpsons. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, or atheism – no one is safe from their satirical punches. FTW, Christianity appears more often in this series than in Touched by an Angel.

5) It’s fair.

Since no one is safe, The Simpsons takes care to offend every group as equally as possible. And if you end up being targeted, it’s best to just laugh along. (I’m looking at you, Brazil.)

6) It’s fearless.

It started with Bart. Conservative parents were afraid that his smart-mouthed answers and devil-may-care attitude would infect their little angels’ minds like a flesh-eating bacteria or Justin Beiber album. Countries have banned them, presidents have denounced them, and yet a quarter century later that dysfunctional cartoon family rages on.

Say what you want, The Simpsons deserve our respect, if not our admiration. They’ve defined and depicted a generation of Americans, and I for one hope they never stop.

The 4 Most Batshit Crazy Things About Living In Thailand

Being a foreign teacher in Thailand is not all it’s cracked up to be. On the one hand, you are trying to look professional in a place where humidity is considered a state congressman. On the other, you have regular opportunities to caress rhinoceros on the weekends.

No, seriously.

1) The monkeys.

If television is to be believed, monkeys are the gentle clowns of the forest or occasional wacky sidekick. In actuality, they are a brutal and unforgiving species bent on the destruction of the human race – or at least stealing your messenger bag. Living in Thailand, I was systematically hunted down by small monkey clans not once, but three times. And although they never got a hold of my backpack or the sweet, sweet sandwiches within, it was not for lack of ferocity.

2) The snakes.

One of things you learn to appreciate about the U.S. is the absence of deadly animals assaulting you on a daily basis. Sure, I saw a black widow in our woodpile once and the tail of rattlesnake on that fieldtrip in the 4th grade, but death-by-venom wasn’t really a thing we worried about as kids. In Thailand, however, you learn real quick the difference between the terrifying-but-probably-not-deadly fauna (huntsman spiders, redneck keel-backs) and the ones who enjoy the taste of people-flesh. Is that a harmless golden tree snake above your bed, or a deadly temple viper? Either way, you better figure it out fast because it just fell unto your neck.

3) The elephants.

Elephants on your commute. Elephants in the marketplace. Elephants politely tapping your shoulder to inquire whether you have any spare bananas. One of my favorite parts about living in Thailand was the elephants walking around like wrinkly Great Danes. And while I certainly don’t condone keeping elephants as pets, it undeniably made my time there a little more magical.

4) The sightseeing.

If you’re looking to live out your Indiana Jones-type fantasies, look no further than Southeast Asia. Only there can you hire a man and his boat to take you to little known caves for a small fee.* Sure enough, I saw such caves. I also nearly never left such caves as our boat got stuck in the narrow passageways known as – I kid you not – “The Dragon’s Throat.” Caught between water and rock, my cheek scraping along the ceiling as I pressed my body flat against the bottom of the raft, I started to laugh (or would have were it not for the oxygen deficiency). There’s no way this kind of thing would fly back in the States, so take full advantage of the batshit craziness and enjoy.

*However, please do not get into a riverboat with a stranger unless you are a smart-mouthed 13 year-old boy from the 1800’s exploring notions of race and identity in rural Mississippi.

10 Reasons Why Will Ferrell Is The Sexiest Man Alive

Sexiness is allusive. It can’t be totally physical – mankind would’ve humped every mannequin into plastic coffee grounds by now – but neither is it all personality, or I’d have married my iPhone in a small civil ceremony outside Vermont. Cary Grant had it; so did Brando. And for your consideration, I’d like to suggest comedian Will Ferrell is (and in my opinion, always has been) the sexiest man alive:

1) He’s comfortable in his own skin.

It’s difficult to picture Will Ferrell without visualizing him naked (Wait, is that just me?). Whether he’s modeling the stars-and-stripes on SNL, or goin' streaking down a sleepy suburban street, Ferrell has never been shy when it comes to his body. And that’s good news between the sheets – a guy who’ll run rampant across a NASCAR track isn’t likely to be timid.

2) What you see is what you get.

The first time I watched Megamind, I fell madly in love with Ferrell’s character because of one thing: his earnestness. And no matter what tomfoolery and shenanigans unfold in his movies, Ferrell’s characters all have the same wide-eyed innocence in matters of friendship, loyalty, and yes, love, that make him utterly irresistible.

3) He cleans up nicely.

Watch Bewitched. Now check to see if your pants are still on. Oh, and this.

4) He’s great with kids.

Ferrell has done a couple of films aimed at a younger audience (Elf in particular is a Lopez holiday tradition), but his short piece, “The Landlord,” is pure magic. Just watching him playact with little Pearl is enough to make any woman’s uterus skip a beat.

5) He’s not about the money.

Did you know Will Ferrell has his own brand of a sunscreen? No? Me neither! That is, until I researched this article by Googling “will ferrell super sexy.” In addition to saving the world from excessive freckling, all the proceeds go towards sending cancer survivors to college. Order today.

6) The man can sing.

Beyond nudity, music is the other mark of a timeless Ferrell film. Strumming the banjo in Land of the Lost, harmonizing with the rest of his Channel 4 news team, or crooning Italian operettas for the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer, he rocks them all.*

7) The man can kiss.

I went to see Casa de mi Padre full of trepidation, but was blind to the bloodshed by the smoldering passion shared by Sonia and Armando. As a woman, and human being, can I just say: Oh. My. God. If you haven’t seen it yet I’ll try not to give too much away, but there is one scene when they’re in the water, and he’s holding her in his arms, and... excuse me, my pants seem to have disappeared again.

8) He’ll make you laugh.

Perhaps this goes without saying, but you can’t see Blades of Glory and not feel immediately better about the world. Listen. Doesn’t that take you back to the days you roamed the neighborhood in a cape, pretending to be a superhero? No? Then you’re dead inside. But for the rest of us, Ferrell’s movies are classics because they stand as reminders of a simpler time, and give us a chance to relive those memories as adults.

9) He’ll make you cry.

Who didn’t tear up a little at the end of Stranger Than Fiction? (Answer: Hitler.) The truth is Ferrell is just as tempting in his serious roles as his comedic, and that’s what makes him great. He doesn’t flinch at heartache, but he isn’t one to dwell on depression either. He embodies what every true-blooded woman and gay man wants: a partner, for better or for worse.

10) But seriously, did you see that kiss?

*However, I should note that one of the only films where he doesn’t sing, Everything Must Go, is nevertheless spectacular. Rent it on iTunes immediately.

5 Horrifically Embarrassing Experiences Everyone Goes Through

Embarrassment is inevitable. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, we’re only one well-intentioned relative away from total humiliation.

Delicious, delicious humiliation.

Isn’t that comforting? You and everyone you love are guaranteed to suffer throughout the course of your short and inherently meaningless existence.

Well, OK, maybe “comforting” isn’t the right word...

1) Your first online persona.

When I was a kid and summer camp came to a close, address books were exchanged along with promises to write. Yes, I’m old, but for those of you who can’t remember a time before Facebook, that was just the way things were – photos took weeks to develop, snail mail even longer, and most of your childhood friends were a parental promotion away from disappearing into obscurity forever.

The rise of social media has changed all that: Now every one of your old friends and bad poems has a permanent and accessible digital home. But is that really a good thing? Frankly, all evidence of the little demon bastard hellmonkey I was until the age of thirteen should remain in the federal judiciary system. Ditto to my hygiene-challenged middle school career, and, unless MySpace and downward angle, overexposed images come back into style, the less said about high school the better.

My point is, experimenting with different identities is part of growing up. Having eternal records of your steampunk phase are not.

2) Your “naked” story.

Ah, your “naked” story. Everyone has one – whether skinny dipping, streaking, or even as a result of brazenly overconfident theater students, there will come a time where you are naked and it is hilarious. Not at that moment, mind you, but roughly 24 hours to 6 months later when you realize nothing is more admired than accidental impudence and a bare ass.

3) Your first public failure.

You know you got the job. Your qualified, your motivated, and you even told your future employer your epic “naked” story to seal the deal. Your family is so proud, your friends are buying you drinks, and neighborhood dogs tremble in your mighty presence. Then... nothing. Just like that, all your future plans go out the window. How can you bring yourself to tell them the truth?

You’ve had your first public failure, but believe me when I say you are not alone. Your family will be confused, your friends maybe a little too kind, and those smartass dogs won’t give you the time of day. But people forget faster than you think, and soon enough you’ll have something real to celebrate.

4) Your “fluids” story.

This one comes in many forms: food poisoning in Tijuana, partying in Las Vegas, or one too many churros at Euro Disney. Whatever the cause, the end result is equal parts horrifying and hysterical. Yes, you may feel like dying now, but in just a few short weeks you too may be writing a blog about it and laugh.

5) Your first real love. As I’ve touched on before, love can be deceptive. The first time I truly fell in love, I did so publicly. Very publicly. And it was mortifying, to be sure, but it also led me to reconnect with my brother, appreciate my friends, and began an incredible journey around the world. It doesn’t happen right away, but that idiotic stuff you did when you were 1) in love or, 2) broken hearted serves a purpose: so that all of us treat each other a little bit more gently. Because, hey, we’ve all been there.

4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Graduated College

It has been almost three years now since I first graduated college and of all the life lessons I’ve learned (you’re too old to be day drinking, movie montages lie about the ease of learning martial arts, and it is deceptively simple to get yourself killed in foreign countries), these are the best four I can pass on:

1) There’s no such thing as “The One.”

That One Job, One Apartment, even that One Relationship – it’s so tempting to think about things in such black and white terms. This is especially true of romance, where the first person you meet who shares your mutual interest in ‘Mumford & Sons’ and agrees that Jeff Goldblum is underrated instantly becomes the future mother of your children. But there are literally thousands and thousands of versions of whatever it is that has you so starry-eyed this week, and thank God that’s the case. Living in a world with no “perfect” anything means endless opportunities to be equally if not more happy, all with the benefit of not being treated as shabbily as you were this last time.

2) Nothing you do now will ruin your chances later.

I spent my first two years out of school living in constant terror of making the “wrong” move. With the simultaneous clusterf*ck that is the economy and having no realistic expectation with how the real world works, I found myself bouncing from one place to the next, desperately applying to jobs I thought could magically rescue me while shunning those that seemed to brand you a failure. Luckily, there is almost nothing you can do now (short of racking up massive debt) that will have any impact whatsoever on your future success. So go ahead and take that barista job at Starbucks or drop everything and travel the world! Until you turn 25, all is forgiven.

3) Reintroduce your family to… yourself.

You may not know this, but your family? They kick ass. Not only did they put up with your ironic mustache during sophomore year, they did so without legally disowning you and moving to Ontario. A lot of them even paid for your sorry ass to go to school and tried not to punch you in the gut when you spent your textbook money on booze. So give your parents a hug and apologize to your various siblings; you’re a real-live adult now and yes, that means you do your own damn laundry.

4) Holidays are finite, so make them count.

Around the first six months on your own, you start to realize that holidays and the committee organized celebrations that you’ve always enjoyed are not a given. You have to work on Halloween, and are too tired from your latest big project to go out on St. Patty’s. Fourth of July seems reserved for families or people who own barbeques and since incendiary devices are forbidden on your fire escape, you might be tempted just to stay in and watch the Project Runway marathon. Now I’d slap you if I weren’t a series of typed letters on a computer screen; life is short and if you’re willing to make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight you sure as hell can make one to enjoy each holiday to its fullest.

3 Reasons Not To Teach Abroad

For many, teaching English abroad sounds like a dream come true: You get to travel to exotic locales, trailed by adoring children, and paid for something you do almost correctly everyday. But beneath this glimmering surface lays a great white shark of disappointment – one made of propaganda, deceit, and unreliable Wi-Fi access.

Pictured: Disappointment.

1) It’s the same as your job now, only crappier.

Think about what you hate about your job now. Do you have long hours and mindless projects? What about co-workers who despise you or a soul crushing commute? What would happen if you took all those things and moved them to Malaysia? Would they still suck? Congratulations! You’re now a foreign language teacher! Only now you can’t drown your sorrows at the local bar because if one of your students sees you, you’ll be immediately fired!

2) There is no safety net.

It’s easy taking for granted all the protections we enjoy as Americans – from basics like breach of contract all the way to your standard discrimination laws. As a foreigner teacher, you’ll soon learn to appreciate these luxuries firsthand since human rights that fall under the category of “Seriously Though, Don’t Be A Dick” are in no way a given, and employers are more than happy to take advantage of that fact. From dangerous living conditions to straight up refusing to pay your salary, I’ve seen and experienced it all. And you know what? There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

3) It’s a business, first and foremost.

“My dear girl,” you say, chuckling and swirling your brandy. “You needn’t worry about me! If the conditions are unfavorable, I can always travel somewhere else. After all, I am fabulously, FABULOUSLY wealthy!” Well, to you I say, first off, I am single and too enjoy yachts and hunting the most dangerous game. Second, no matter what city or what country you end up teaching in, ESL is still a fairly lucrative business.

The countries where there’s such a high demand for teachers are the same places in which parents are trying to do the best for their kids, but have no established educational infrastructure to guide them. I mean, how else could someone like you with no formal training outside of that ‘Introduction to Shakespeare’ class you took by mistake freshman year be allowed to mold young minds? Exactly.

So as much as you’d like to think of yourself as Professor Jones saving the world, most schools are willing to hire anyone vaguely pale just to plant them in front of a classroom full of determined twelve-year-olds whose younger siblings are going hungry so the family has a chance at a better life. And maybe, just maybe, consider people who aren’t you before you sew those elbow patches on all your jackets.