The 6 Stages Of Starbucks Obsession

It starts innocently enough: You catch sight of the naked green mermaid and get a hankering for decaf latte and assorted pastry. Maybe you pick up a coffee blend for later – the one with the cartoon lady riding a bicycle – or peruse the obscure indie CD’s pouting near the counter. Suddenly you’re there every weekend, shooting annoyed glances at the teenagers on the couch from behind the screen of your MacBook. Before long you’re the guy who corrects people’s pronunciation of “espresso” and carries around a Moleskine notebook for your nonfiction novel.

This image is my version of porn.

1) You have a favorite roast.

This assumes that you have consumed enough of the signature Starbucks blends to have distinguished between them. You probably also know how to make an Americano. It is time to reevaluate your life choices.

2) You follow them on Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Pinterest.

Starbucks is not your pal. Yeah, they probably know you more intimately than your 900 Facebook “friends,” but they are still just a faceless corporation. I don’t care what the Supreme Court says.

3) You know about the secret menu.

Have you ever ordered a Chocolate Dalmatian? Perhaps you’re more in the mood for the Three C’s? GTFO, n00b.

4) You downloaded the app – and you use it.

IT’S NOT MY FAULT! THEY GIVE YOU FREE MUSIC DOWNLOADS EVERY WEEK!

5) You rely on the seasonal drinks like a calendar.

The Pumpkin Spice Latte is my Punxsutawney Phil. It just isn’t fall until I taste that sweet, cinnamon-y deliciousness. And I’m not the only one: Back in October, the Wall Street Journal ran a story about a nationwide shortage that featured more than one quote from costumers in crisis.

6) You write humorous articles about Starbucks that reveal an intimate personal knowledge of the brand.

I regret nothing.