The 4 Most Batshit Crazy Things About Living In Thailand

Being a foreign teacher in Thailand is not all it’s cracked up to be. On the one hand, you are trying to look professional in a place where humidity is considered a state congressman. On the other, you have regular opportunities to caress rhinoceros on the weekends.

No, seriously.

1) The monkeys.

If television is to be believed, monkeys are the gentle clowns of the forest or occasional wacky sidekick. In actuality, they are a brutal and unforgiving species bent on the destruction of the human race – or at least stealing your messenger bag. Living in Thailand, I was systematically hunted down by small monkey clans not once, but three times. And although they never got a hold of my backpack or the sweet, sweet sandwiches within, it was not for lack of ferocity.

2) The snakes.

One of things you learn to appreciate about the U.S. is the absence of deadly animals assaulting you on a daily basis. Sure, I saw a black widow in our woodpile once and the tail of rattlesnake on that fieldtrip in the 4th grade, but death-by-venom wasn’t really a thing we worried about as kids. In Thailand, however, you learn real quick the difference between the terrifying-but-probably-not-deadly fauna (huntsman spiders, redneck keel-backs) and the ones who enjoy the taste of people-flesh. Is that a harmless golden tree snake above your bed, or a deadly temple viper? Either way, you better figure it out fast because it just fell unto your neck.

3) The elephants.

Elephants on your commute. Elephants in the marketplace. Elephants politely tapping your shoulder to inquire whether you have any spare bananas. One of my favorite parts about living in Thailand was the elephants walking around like wrinkly Great Danes. And while I certainly don’t condone keeping elephants as pets, it undeniably made my time there a little more magical.

4) The sightseeing.

If you’re looking to live out your Indiana Jones-type fantasies, look no further than Southeast Asia. Only there can you hire a man and his boat to take you to little known caves for a small fee.* Sure enough, I saw such caves. I also nearly never left such caves as our boat got stuck in the narrow passageways known as – I kid you not – “The Dragon’s Throat.” Caught between water and rock, my cheek scraping along the ceiling as I pressed my body flat against the bottom of the raft, I started to laugh (or would have were it not for the oxygen deficiency). There’s no way this kind of thing would fly back in the States, so take full advantage of the batshit craziness and enjoy.

*However, please do not get into a riverboat with a stranger unless you are a smart-mouthed 13 year-old boy from the 1800’s exploring notions of race and identity in rural Mississippi.