Embarrassment is inevitable. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, we’re only one well-intentioned relative away from total humiliation.
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| Delicious, delicious humiliation. |
Isn’t that comforting? You and everyone you love are guaranteed to suffer throughout the course of your short and inherently meaningless existence.
Well, OK, maybe “comforting” isn’t the right word...
1) Your first online persona.
When I was a kid and summer camp came to a close, address books were exchanged along with promises to write. Yes, I’m old, but for those of you who can’t remember a time before Facebook, that was just the way things were – photos took weeks to develop, snail mail even longer, and most of your childhood friends were a parental promotion away from disappearing into obscurity forever.
The rise of social media has changed all that: Now every one of your old friends and bad poems has a permanent and accessible digital home. But is that really a good thing? Frankly, all evidence of the little demon bastard hellmonkey I was until the age of thirteen should remain in the federal judiciary system. Ditto to my hygiene-challenged middle school career, and, unless MySpace and downward angle, overexposed images come back into style, the less said about high school the better.
My point is, experimenting with different identities is part of growing up. Having eternal records of your steampunk phase are not.
2) Your “naked” story.
Ah, your “naked” story. Everyone has one – whether skinny dipping, streaking, or even as a result of brazenly overconfident theater students, there will come a time where you are naked and it is hilarious. Not at that moment, mind you, but roughly 24 hours to 6 months later when you realize nothing is more admired than accidental impudence and a bare ass.
3) Your first public failure.
You know you got the job. Your qualified, your motivated, and you even told your future employer your epic “naked” story to seal the deal. Your family is so proud, your friends are buying you drinks, and neighborhood dogs tremble in your mighty presence. Then... nothing. Just like that, all your future plans go out the window. How can you bring yourself to tell them the truth?
You’ve had your first public failure, but believe me when I say you are not alone. Your family will be confused, your friends maybe a little too kind, and those smartass dogs won’t give you the time of day. But people forget faster than you think, and soon enough you’ll have something real to celebrate.
4) Your “fluids” story.
This one comes in many forms: food poisoning in Tijuana, partying in Las Vegas, or one too many churros at Euro Disney. Whatever the cause, the end result is equal parts horrifying and hysterical. Yes, you may feel like dying now, but in just a few short weeks you too may be writing a blog about it and laugh.
5) Your first real love. As I’ve touched on before, love can be deceptive. The first time I truly fell in love, I did so publicly. Very publicly. And it was mortifying, to be sure, but it also led me to reconnect with my brother, appreciate my friends, and began an incredible journey around the world. It doesn’t happen right away, but that idiotic stuff you did when you were 1) in love or, 2) broken hearted serves a purpose: so that all of us treat each other a little bit more gently. Because, hey, we’ve all been there.
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