The best Will Ferrell movie you’ll never see.

As you’ve probably guessed, I watch a lot of Will Ferrell movies. Something about the combination of the relatable and the ridiculous makes even the worst day good again. And as a California native, I am legally required to produce one (1) screenplay each time I want to renew my driver’s license. So here it is, The Best Will Ferrell Movie You’ll Never See:

Young Buck Thorton (Will Ferrell) is a child prodigy – under the careful tutelage of his father, he becomes a world-renowned racehorse jockey and brings fame and fortune to his family’s farm. Despite the success, his mother lives in constant fear that her son will be fatally injured. Soon tragedy strikes: Breeding a horse too fierce for even him to control, Buck’s father is eaten by a black foal mere moments after being delivered.

Buck continues to race, but a series of losses cause the farm to steadily decline over the next few years (the fact that he grows into a 6’1” man might also be a factor). When Buck’s mother dies – heartbroken from selling off the last piece of family land – she confesses that Buck truly has a gift, and encourages him to find the black foal again.

Buck then travels the country as a horse whisperer, sharing an almost magical bond with animals but incapable of speaking to human women. He tracks the black foal to professional show jumper, Elizabeth Verilly (Christina Applegate), training for the USEF Grand Prix Nationals. Buck manages to get hired as a groom at her stable, but the foal is now a large and dangerous stallion and too aggressive to get near.

Elizabeth’s trainer, Mark Cotchett (Zach Galifianakis), is ready to give up on the black stallion when he witnesses some of Buck’s horse whispering magic. He promotes Buck to assistant trainer and moves him from the barn to the Verilly estate. Over dinner, Buck is immediately smitten with Elizabeth, though too shy to say a word.

When Elizabeth’s prized mare is injured in a freak trail riding accident, it looks like the team will have to forfeit the USEF trials. However, Buck stops them from withdrawing by suggesting the newly gentled black stallion as a replacement. Despite her trainer’s hesitation, Buck teaches Elizabeth how to ride the wild horse, eventually causing her to fall in love with him, too.

Mark, Elizabeth, and Buck finally arrive at the venue for the USEF Nationals. However, the stallion spooks while unloading from the trailer and in the resulting confusion breaks Elizabeth’s leg. Elizabeth makes Buck promise to ride in her place, pointing out they’ve worked too hard to give up now. Buck agrees and gets on the black stallion, winning the competition and finally making peace with his troubled past.

Parodying classic equestrian films (Black Beauty, The Black Stallion, and National Velvet, to name a few), the story should maintain its sincerity while seizing the many, many opportunities for Ferrell’s character to get hit in the nuts. And with the success of sports epics like Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, can a horseback riding movie really be that far behind? The answer is a resounding neigh.

License renewed,
A