Sexiness is allusive. It can’t be totally physical – mankind would’ve humped every mannequin into plastic coffee grounds by now – but neither is it all personality, or I’d have married my iPhone in a small civil ceremony outside Vermont. Cary Grant had it; so did Brando. And for your consideration, I’d like to suggest comedian Will Ferrell is (and in my opinion, always has been) the sexiest man alive:
1) He’s comfortable in his own skin.
It’s difficult to picture Will Ferrell without visualizing him naked (Wait, is that just me?). Whether he’s modeling the stars-and-stripes on SNL, or goin' streaking down a sleepy suburban street, Ferrell has never been shy when it comes to his body. And that’s good news between the sheets – a guy who’ll run rampant across a NASCAR track isn’t likely to be timid.
2) What you see is what you get.
The first time I watched Megamind, I fell madly in love with Ferrell’s character because of one thing: his earnestness. And no matter what tomfoolery and shenanigans unfold in his movies, Ferrell’s characters all have the same wide-eyed innocence in matters of friendship, loyalty, and yes, love, that make him utterly irresistible.
3) He cleans up nicely.
Watch Bewitched. Now check to see if your pants are still on. Oh, and this.
4) He’s great with kids.
Ferrell has done a couple of films aimed at a younger audience (Elf in particular is a Lopez holiday tradition), but his short piece, “The Landlord,” is pure magic. Just watching him playact with little Pearl is enough to make any woman’s uterus skip a beat.
5) He’s not about the money.
Did you know Will Ferrell has his own brand of a sunscreen? No? Me neither! That is, until I researched this article by Googling “will ferrell super sexy.” In addition to saving the world from excessive freckling, all the proceeds go towards sending cancer survivors to college. Order today.
6) The man can sing.
Beyond nudity, music is the other mark of a timeless Ferrell film. Strumming the banjo in Land of the Lost, harmonizing with the rest of his Channel 4 news team, or crooning Italian operettas for the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer, he rocks them all.*
7) The man can kiss.
I went to see Casa de mi Padre full of trepidation, but was blind to the bloodshed by the smoldering passion shared by Sonia and Armando. As a woman, and human being, can I just say: Oh. My. God. If you haven’t seen it yet I’ll try not to give too much away, but there is one scene when they’re in the water, and he’s holding her in his arms, and... excuse me, my pants seem to have disappeared again.
8) He’ll make you laugh.
Perhaps this goes without saying, but you can’t see Blades of Glory and not feel immediately better about the world. Listen. Doesn’t that take you back to the days you roamed the neighborhood in a cape, pretending to be a superhero? No? Then you’re dead inside. But for the rest of us, Ferrell’s movies are classics because they stand as reminders of a simpler time, and give us a chance to relive those memories as adults.
9) He’ll make you cry.
Who didn’t tear up a little at the end of Stranger Than Fiction? (Answer: Hitler.) The truth is Ferrell is just as tempting in his serious roles as his comedic, and that’s what makes him great. He doesn’t flinch at heartache, but he isn’t one to dwell on depression either. He embodies what every true-blooded woman and gay man wants: a partner, for better or for worse.
10) But seriously, did you see that kiss?
*However, I should note that one of the only films where he doesn’t sing, Everything Must Go, is nevertheless spectacular. Rent it on iTunes immediately.
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