The best Will Ferrell movie you’ll never see.

As you’ve probably guessed, I watch a lot of Will Ferrell movies. Something about the combination of the relatable and the ridiculous makes even the worst day good again. And as a California native, I am legally required to produce one (1) screenplay each time I want to renew my driver’s license. So here it is, The Best Will Ferrell Movie You’ll Never See:

Young Buck Thorton (Will Ferrell) is a child prodigy – under the careful tutelage of his father, he becomes a world-renowned racehorse jockey and brings fame and fortune to his family’s farm. Despite the success, his mother lives in constant fear that her son will be fatally injured. Soon tragedy strikes: Breeding a horse too fierce for even him to control, Buck’s father is eaten by a black foal mere moments after being delivered.

Buck continues to race, but a series of losses cause the farm to steadily decline over the next few years (the fact that he grows into a 6’1” man might also be a factor). When Buck’s mother dies – heartbroken from selling off the last piece of family land – she confesses that Buck truly has a gift, and encourages him to find the black foal again.

Buck then travels the country as a horse whisperer, sharing an almost magical bond with animals but incapable of speaking to human women. He tracks the black foal to professional show jumper, Elizabeth Verilly (Christina Applegate), training for the USEF Grand Prix Nationals. Buck manages to get hired as a groom at her stable, but the foal is now a large and dangerous stallion and too aggressive to get near.

Elizabeth’s trainer, Mark Cotchett (Zach Galifianakis), is ready to give up on the black stallion when he witnesses some of Buck’s horse whispering magic. He promotes Buck to assistant trainer and moves him from the barn to the Verilly estate. Over dinner, Buck is immediately smitten with Elizabeth, though too shy to say a word.

When Elizabeth’s prized mare is injured in a freak trail riding accident, it looks like the team will have to forfeit the USEF trials. However, Buck stops them from withdrawing by suggesting the newly gentled black stallion as a replacement. Despite her trainer’s hesitation, Buck teaches Elizabeth how to ride the wild horse, eventually causing her to fall in love with him, too.

Mark, Elizabeth, and Buck finally arrive at the venue for the USEF Nationals. However, the stallion spooks while unloading from the trailer and in the resulting confusion breaks Elizabeth’s leg. Elizabeth makes Buck promise to ride in her place, pointing out they’ve worked too hard to give up now. Buck agrees and gets on the black stallion, winning the competition and finally making peace with his troubled past.

Parodying classic equestrian films (Black Beauty, The Black Stallion, and National Velvet, to name a few), the story should maintain its sincerity while seizing the many, many opportunities for Ferrell’s character to get hit in the nuts. And with the success of sports epics like Semi-Pro, Blades of Glory, and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, can a horseback riding movie really be that far behind? The answer is a resounding neigh.

License renewed,
A

3 Easy Ways To Lose Weight While Traveling

There was a scene in the film, Se7en, in which a guy who looks like your average StarCraft player is found having basically eaten himself to death. Now, I’ve looked into the research surrounding food-related fatalities, and it is startlingly deficient in Brad Pitt. As a result, I have come to the conclusion that it is time we travelers put down our umbrella-clad drinks and start solving crime instead. Wait, no, that wasn’t it... I mean we should start getting in shape, improving our health, and refuse to ship our decapitated heads FedEx.*

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!"

1) High-carb.

Not too many people know this about me, but I used to write as a blogger for PETA. At the time, it seemed like the perfect combination of my love for animals and of making obscure 1980’s film references. One caveat, however, was a contractual obligation to be vegan.

You can imagine, for a girl who’s been known to drive four hours out of Oregon just to reach an In-N-Out, how much of a challenge this was. But fresh off my collegiate hippie phase and as intimately familiar with Boca as any Bay Area resident, I managed just fine.

Pros: Your healthcare provider will no longer quietly weep in the corner while you cheerfully butter your bacon.

Cons: Even vegans can turn into Stay Puft on a diet of draft beer and fries.

2) Low-carb.

Are you currently living in a country that considers rice a utensil? Is it impossible for you to brush your hair without pastry flaking from your scalp? If you answered yes, then you might be the perfect candidate for low-carb dieting! It’s simple, really – just make a list of everything delicious in your life. Now throw that list away because for the next several weeks, the world is a dark and cruciferous place.

Pros: Results are immediate and, depending where you go, you’ll likely fit right in since Asian women swear by this.

Cons: You’d suck down your shampoo like a smoothie if it contained fruit extracts.

3) Or, you know, just exercise once in a while.

Part of the fun of traveling to a new country is getting to experiment with all of the exotic dishes and deep-fried faunae they specialize in. And as such, I have devised a most elegant solution: Move.

It doesn’t have to be a lot – just taking the stairs at the airport coupled with a smidgen of sightseeing. And beyond the chaffing of the first 24-hours, it’s actually a pretty painless way to go.

Pros: Outside of L.A., walking is a socially acceptable activity.

Cons: Oh, I’m sorry. We’re you expecting recommendations of green tea extract and monkey placenta? Bitch, please.

*I am not a medical doctor. However, if you’d like to send me your health insurance copay, please make checks payable to:

Consumer Advocates for Systematic Healthcare (CASH)
Zhuhai City, Guangdong Province
The People’s Republic of China

6 Completely Objective Reasons Why 'The Simpsons' Is The Best Show On Television

I have been watching the popular animated series, The Simpsons, for as long as I can remember. Both my parents were huge fans, and soon indoctrinated my brother and me in Matt Groening’s strange, yellow universe. Even if you’ve never seen the show, chances are you are familiar with its legacy: Mark Liberman, director of the Linguistic Data Consortium, once remarked, “The Simpsons has apparently taken over from Shakespeare and the Bible as our culture’s greatest source of idioms, catchphrases and sundry other textual allusions.” So love ‘em or hate ‘em, here’s why this humble little cartoon is in actuality the best show on television.

1) It’s old.

The cartoon family first debuted on The Tracey Ullman Show in December of 1989, which formally makes it older than 97% of the people who read this blog. Respect your elders!

2) It’s current.

“D’oh!” “Yoink!” “Meh...” Any number of perfectly cromulent words have had their influence embiggened because of this show. Is it an internet meme? Then The Simpsons already did it.

3) It’s cultured.

Sure, pop culture is a given. But even highbrow humor has its place in Springfield. Politics, fine art, literature, and etiquette have all been featured at one time or another with enough derision to make any self-respecting gentleman’s monocle shatter on sight.

4) It’s religious.

Fun fact: I actually wrote my senior college term paper on the portrayal of religion in The Simpsons. Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, or atheism – no one is safe from their satirical punches. FTW, Christianity appears more often in this series than in Touched by an Angel.

5) It’s fair.

Since no one is safe, The Simpsons takes care to offend every group as equally as possible. And if you end up being targeted, it’s best to just laugh along. (I’m looking at you, Brazil.)

6) It’s fearless.

It started with Bart. Conservative parents were afraid that his smart-mouthed answers and devil-may-care attitude would infect their little angels’ minds like a flesh-eating bacteria or Justin Beiber album. Countries have banned them, presidents have denounced them, and yet a quarter century later that dysfunctional cartoon family rages on.

Say what you want, The Simpsons deserve our respect, if not our admiration. They’ve defined and depicted a generation of Americans, and I for one hope they never stop.

The 4 Most Batshit Crazy Things About Living In Thailand

Being a foreign teacher in Thailand is not all it’s cracked up to be. On the one hand, you are trying to look professional in a place where humidity is considered a state congressman. On the other, you have regular opportunities to caress rhinoceros on the weekends.

No, seriously.

1) The monkeys.

If television is to be believed, monkeys are the gentle clowns of the forest or occasional wacky sidekick. In actuality, they are a brutal and unforgiving species bent on the destruction of the human race – or at least stealing your messenger bag. Living in Thailand, I was systematically hunted down by small monkey clans not once, but three times. And although they never got a hold of my backpack or the sweet, sweet sandwiches within, it was not for lack of ferocity.

2) The snakes.

One of things you learn to appreciate about the U.S. is the absence of deadly animals assaulting you on a daily basis. Sure, I saw a black widow in our woodpile once and the tail of rattlesnake on that fieldtrip in the 4th grade, but death-by-venom wasn’t really a thing we worried about as kids. In Thailand, however, you learn real quick the difference between the terrifying-but-probably-not-deadly fauna (huntsman spiders, redneck keel-backs) and the ones who enjoy the taste of people-flesh. Is that a harmless golden tree snake above your bed, or a deadly temple viper? Either way, you better figure it out fast because it just fell unto your neck.

3) The elephants.

Elephants on your commute. Elephants in the marketplace. Elephants politely tapping your shoulder to inquire whether you have any spare bananas. One of my favorite parts about living in Thailand was the elephants walking around like wrinkly Great Danes. And while I certainly don’t condone keeping elephants as pets, it undeniably made my time there a little more magical.

4) The sightseeing.

If you’re looking to live out your Indiana Jones-type fantasies, look no further than Southeast Asia. Only there can you hire a man and his boat to take you to little known caves for a small fee.* Sure enough, I saw such caves. I also nearly never left such caves as our boat got stuck in the narrow passageways known as – I kid you not – “The Dragon’s Throat.” Caught between water and rock, my cheek scraping along the ceiling as I pressed my body flat against the bottom of the raft, I started to laugh (or would have were it not for the oxygen deficiency). There’s no way this kind of thing would fly back in the States, so take full advantage of the batshit craziness and enjoy.

*However, please do not get into a riverboat with a stranger unless you are a smart-mouthed 13 year-old boy from the 1800’s exploring notions of race and identity in rural Mississippi.

10 Reasons Why Will Ferrell Is The Sexiest Man Alive

Sexiness is allusive. It can’t be totally physical – mankind would’ve humped every mannequin into plastic coffee grounds by now – but neither is it all personality, or I’d have married my iPhone in a small civil ceremony outside Vermont. Cary Grant had it; so did Brando. And for your consideration, I’d like to suggest comedian Will Ferrell is (and in my opinion, always has been) the sexiest man alive:

1) He’s comfortable in his own skin.

It’s difficult to picture Will Ferrell without visualizing him naked (Wait, is that just me?). Whether he’s modeling the stars-and-stripes on SNL, or goin' streaking down a sleepy suburban street, Ferrell has never been shy when it comes to his body. And that’s good news between the sheets – a guy who’ll run rampant across a NASCAR track isn’t likely to be timid.

2) What you see is what you get.

The first time I watched Megamind, I fell madly in love with Ferrell’s character because of one thing: his earnestness. And no matter what tomfoolery and shenanigans unfold in his movies, Ferrell’s characters all have the same wide-eyed innocence in matters of friendship, loyalty, and yes, love, that make him utterly irresistible.

3) He cleans up nicely.

Watch Bewitched. Now check to see if your pants are still on. Oh, and this.

4) He’s great with kids.

Ferrell has done a couple of films aimed at a younger audience (Elf in particular is a Lopez holiday tradition), but his short piece, “The Landlord,” is pure magic. Just watching him playact with little Pearl is enough to make any woman’s uterus skip a beat.

5) He’s not about the money.

Did you know Will Ferrell has his own brand of a sunscreen? No? Me neither! That is, until I researched this article by Googling “will ferrell super sexy.” In addition to saving the world from excessive freckling, all the proceeds go towards sending cancer survivors to college. Order today.

6) The man can sing.

Beyond nudity, music is the other mark of a timeless Ferrell film. Strumming the banjo in Land of the Lost, harmonizing with the rest of his Channel 4 news team, or crooning Italian operettas for the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer, he rocks them all.*

7) The man can kiss.

I went to see Casa de mi Padre full of trepidation, but was blind to the bloodshed by the smoldering passion shared by Sonia and Armando. As a woman, and human being, can I just say: Oh. My. God. If you haven’t seen it yet I’ll try not to give too much away, but there is one scene when they’re in the water, and he’s holding her in his arms, and... excuse me, my pants seem to have disappeared again.

8) He’ll make you laugh.

Perhaps this goes without saying, but you can’t see Blades of Glory and not feel immediately better about the world. Listen. Doesn’t that take you back to the days you roamed the neighborhood in a cape, pretending to be a superhero? No? Then you’re dead inside. But for the rest of us, Ferrell’s movies are classics because they stand as reminders of a simpler time, and give us a chance to relive those memories as adults.

9) He’ll make you cry.

Who didn’t tear up a little at the end of Stranger Than Fiction? (Answer: Hitler.) The truth is Ferrell is just as tempting in his serious roles as his comedic, and that’s what makes him great. He doesn’t flinch at heartache, but he isn’t one to dwell on depression either. He embodies what every true-blooded woman and gay man wants: a partner, for better or for worse.

10) But seriously, did you see that kiss?

*However, I should note that one of the only films where he doesn’t sing, Everything Must Go, is nevertheless spectacular. Rent it on iTunes immediately.

5 Horrifically Embarrassing Experiences Everyone Goes Through

Embarrassment is inevitable. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, we’re only one well-intentioned relative away from total humiliation.

Delicious, delicious humiliation.

Isn’t that comforting? You and everyone you love are guaranteed to suffer throughout the course of your short and inherently meaningless existence.

Well, OK, maybe “comforting” isn’t the right word...

1) Your first online persona.

When I was a kid and summer camp came to a close, address books were exchanged along with promises to write. Yes, I’m old, but for those of you who can’t remember a time before Facebook, that was just the way things were – photos took weeks to develop, snail mail even longer, and most of your childhood friends were a parental promotion away from disappearing into obscurity forever.

The rise of social media has changed all that: Now every one of your old friends and bad poems has a permanent and accessible digital home. But is that really a good thing? Frankly, all evidence of the little demon bastard hellmonkey I was until the age of thirteen should remain in the federal judiciary system. Ditto to my hygiene-challenged middle school career, and, unless MySpace and downward angle, overexposed images come back into style, the less said about high school the better.

My point is, experimenting with different identities is part of growing up. Having eternal records of your steampunk phase are not.

2) Your “naked” story.

Ah, your “naked” story. Everyone has one – whether skinny dipping, streaking, or even as a result of brazenly overconfident theater students, there will come a time where you are naked and it is hilarious. Not at that moment, mind you, but roughly 24 hours to 6 months later when you realize nothing is more admired than accidental impudence and a bare ass.

3) Your first public failure.

You know you got the job. Your qualified, your motivated, and you even told your future employer your epic “naked” story to seal the deal. Your family is so proud, your friends are buying you drinks, and neighborhood dogs tremble in your mighty presence. Then... nothing. Just like that, all your future plans go out the window. How can you bring yourself to tell them the truth?

You’ve had your first public failure, but believe me when I say you are not alone. Your family will be confused, your friends maybe a little too kind, and those smartass dogs won’t give you the time of day. But people forget faster than you think, and soon enough you’ll have something real to celebrate.

4) Your “fluids” story.

This one comes in many forms: food poisoning in Tijuana, partying in Las Vegas, or one too many churros at Euro Disney. Whatever the cause, the end result is equal parts horrifying and hysterical. Yes, you may feel like dying now, but in just a few short weeks you too may be writing a blog about it and laugh.

5) Your first real love. As I’ve touched on before, love can be deceptive. The first time I truly fell in love, I did so publicly. Very publicly. And it was mortifying, to be sure, but it also led me to reconnect with my brother, appreciate my friends, and began an incredible journey around the world. It doesn’t happen right away, but that idiotic stuff you did when you were 1) in love or, 2) broken hearted serves a purpose: so that all of us treat each other a little bit more gently. Because, hey, we’ve all been there.