5 Things No Traveler Should Bring Abroad

I’ve already covered what savvy travelers pack in addition to their fedoras and bullwhips. Here’s what to avoid so that the only thing that embarrasses you in front of your cool new international friends in your personality:

1) Oatmeal.

After preaching the magic that is peanut butter, why, you ask, would I slander the good name of oatmeal? It’s simple – oatmeal requires hot water, a bowl, and the occasional all-night soaking (depending on what kind you get). Peanut butter, on the other hand, only requires your tearstain-soaked fingers while The Iron Giant streams on your laptop.

2) Your fancy-pants.

If you plan on teaching during your jaunt abroad, packing can pose a problem. Your business/casual slacks might be too casual for a country like Thailand (where everyone is required to dress in 1940’s-era dresses and heels, including the men) but too dressy for the temple- and island-hopping you have planned in your downtime. A good rule of thumb is bring at least a few professional outfits, but nothing you would mourn should they get stolen, lit on fire, or shred by animals (all three of which have actually happened to clothes of mine, I might add).

3) Hunting knife.

I believe in living a life of nonviolence, except in the case someone misuses “fewer” vs. “less” in which case I roundhouse kick you in the clavicle. Nevertheless, I received a hunting knife as a going-away gift from a friend’s mother and though it has proven quite handy, I have also manage to nearly stab myself on four separate occasions. This has led me to conclude that I am not, in fact, Lara Croft. Invest in some pepper spray instead.

4) Your *cough cough* “water filtration device.”

Despite what buddy comedies would lead you to believe, many of the nations in which drugs are passed like vodka at a sorority mixer having startlingly strict laws concerning them. So stay clear of the twenty-three “Happy Pizza’s” on your block – trust me, they don’t work anyway.

5) Your dog.

You’d be amazed at how many foreigners I met who dragged Mr. Snugglefluff along with them on their globetrotting adventure. But seriously, don’t be that guy; even if you’re in a country where puppies aren’t dim sum, other parts of the world don’t have vet clinics with emergency hours and rabies are considered part of the local color.