4 Things I Wish I Knew When I Graduated College

It has been almost three years now since I first graduated college and of all the life lessons I’ve learned (you’re too old to be day drinking, movie montages lie about the ease of learning martial arts, and it is deceptively simple to get yourself killed in foreign countries), these are the best four I can pass on:

1) There’s no such thing as “The One.”

That One Job, One Apartment, even that One Relationship – it’s so tempting to think about things in such black and white terms. This is especially true of romance, where the first person you meet who shares your mutual interest in ‘Mumford & Sons’ and agrees that Jeff Goldblum is underrated instantly becomes the future mother of your children. But there are literally thousands and thousands of versions of whatever it is that has you so starry-eyed this week, and thank God that’s the case. Living in a world with no “perfect” anything means endless opportunities to be equally if not more happy, all with the benefit of not being treated as shabbily as you were this last time.

2) Nothing you do now will ruin your chances later.

I spent my first two years out of school living in constant terror of making the “wrong” move. With the simultaneous clusterf*ck that is the economy and having no realistic expectation with how the real world works, I found myself bouncing from one place to the next, desperately applying to jobs I thought could magically rescue me while shunning those that seemed to brand you a failure. Luckily, there is almost nothing you can do now (short of racking up massive debt) that will have any impact whatsoever on your future success. So go ahead and take that barista job at Starbucks or drop everything and travel the world! Until you turn 25, all is forgiven.

3) Reintroduce your family to… yourself.

You may not know this, but your family? They kick ass. Not only did they put up with your ironic mustache during sophomore year, they did so without legally disowning you and moving to Ontario. A lot of them even paid for your sorry ass to go to school and tried not to punch you in the gut when you spent your textbook money on booze. So give your parents a hug and apologize to your various siblings; you’re a real-live adult now and yes, that means you do your own damn laundry.

4) Holidays are finite, so make them count.

Around the first six months on your own, you start to realize that holidays and the committee organized celebrations that you’ve always enjoyed are not a given. You have to work on Halloween, and are too tired from your latest big project to go out on St. Patty’s. Fourth of July seems reserved for families or people who own barbeques and since incendiary devices are forbidden on your fire escape, you might be tempted just to stay in and watch the Project Runway marathon. Now I’d slap you if I weren’t a series of typed letters on a computer screen; life is short and if you’re willing to make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight you sure as hell can make one to enjoy each holiday to its fullest.

3 Reasons Not To Teach Abroad

For many, teaching English abroad sounds like a dream come true: You get to travel to exotic locales, trailed by adoring children, and paid for something you do almost correctly everyday. But beneath this glimmering surface lays a great white shark of disappointment – one made of propaganda, deceit, and unreliable Wi-Fi access.

Pictured: Disappointment.

1) It’s the same as your job now, only crappier.

Think about what you hate about your job now. Do you have long hours and mindless projects? What about co-workers who despise you or a soul crushing commute? What would happen if you took all those things and moved them to Malaysia? Would they still suck? Congratulations! You’re now a foreign language teacher! Only now you can’t drown your sorrows at the local bar because if one of your students sees you, you’ll be immediately fired!

2) There is no safety net.

It’s easy taking for granted all the protections we enjoy as Americans – from basics like breach of contract all the way to your standard discrimination laws. As a foreigner teacher, you’ll soon learn to appreciate these luxuries firsthand since human rights that fall under the category of “Seriously Though, Don’t Be A Dick” are in no way a given, and employers are more than happy to take advantage of that fact. From dangerous living conditions to straight up refusing to pay your salary, I’ve seen and experienced it all. And you know what? There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

3) It’s a business, first and foremost.

“My dear girl,” you say, chuckling and swirling your brandy. “You needn’t worry about me! If the conditions are unfavorable, I can always travel somewhere else. After all, I am fabulously, FABULOUSLY wealthy!” Well, to you I say, first off, I am single and too enjoy yachts and hunting the most dangerous game. Second, no matter what city or what country you end up teaching in, ESL is still a fairly lucrative business.

The countries where there’s such a high demand for teachers are the same places in which parents are trying to do the best for their kids, but have no established educational infrastructure to guide them. I mean, how else could someone like you with no formal training outside of that ‘Introduction to Shakespeare’ class you took by mistake freshman year be allowed to mold young minds? Exactly.

So as much as you’d like to think of yourself as Professor Jones saving the world, most schools are willing to hire anyone vaguely pale just to plant them in front of a classroom full of determined twelve-year-olds whose younger siblings are going hungry so the family has a chance at a better life. And maybe, just maybe, consider people who aren’t you before you sew those elbow patches on all your jackets.

3 Things You Can’t Prepare Yourself For In China

"I mean, it's good. But I don't know if I'd say it's great."

I recently moved to China, and being the obsessive-compulsive misanthrope that I am, I had plenty of time to research before making the big move. Nevertheless, there are some things you just can’t prepare yourself for, including:

1) Everyone thinks you’re a freak.

Not the people back home – they already knew you were a freak long before you decided to sell your car and go gallivanting across other continents. No, I’m talking about the strangers who grab your grocery cart to examine the contents or the children who pick at your skin to see if the color rubs off.

2) Food is a test of faith.

From soy sauce made out of human hair to arsenic-laced cat stew, eating in China defies even the bravest of palates. Seriously, bring a jar of peanut butter.

3) It’s lonely. Like, REALLY lonely.

You bought your ticket, invested in khaki, and even wrote a touching farewell note on Facebook. You’re ready to go, right? Not so fast, Kerouac. Consider setting up weekly Skype dates with family members and best friend. In the very least, it’ll put your mom’s mind at ease – and isn’t that the most important thing of all?

5 Things No Traveler Should Bring Abroad

I’ve already covered what savvy travelers pack in addition to their fedoras and bullwhips. Here’s what to avoid so that the only thing that embarrasses you in front of your cool new international friends in your personality:

1) Oatmeal.

After preaching the magic that is peanut butter, why, you ask, would I slander the good name of oatmeal? It’s simple – oatmeal requires hot water, a bowl, and the occasional all-night soaking (depending on what kind you get). Peanut butter, on the other hand, only requires your tearstain-soaked fingers while The Iron Giant streams on your laptop.

2) Your fancy-pants.

If you plan on teaching during your jaunt abroad, packing can pose a problem. Your business/casual slacks might be too casual for a country like Thailand (where everyone is required to dress in 1940’s-era dresses and heels, including the men) but too dressy for the temple- and island-hopping you have planned in your downtime. A good rule of thumb is bring at least a few professional outfits, but nothing you would mourn should they get stolen, lit on fire, or shred by animals (all three of which have actually happened to clothes of mine, I might add).

3) Hunting knife.

I believe in living a life of nonviolence, except in the case someone misuses “fewer” vs. “less” in which case I roundhouse kick you in the clavicle. Nevertheless, I received a hunting knife as a going-away gift from a friend’s mother and though it has proven quite handy, I have also manage to nearly stab myself on four separate occasions. This has led me to conclude that I am not, in fact, Lara Croft. Invest in some pepper spray instead.

4) Your *cough cough* “water filtration device.”

Despite what buddy comedies would lead you to believe, many of the nations in which drugs are passed like vodka at a sorority mixer having startlingly strict laws concerning them. So stay clear of the twenty-three “Happy Pizza’s” on your block – trust me, they don’t work anyway.

5) Your dog.

You’d be amazed at how many foreigners I met who dragged Mr. Snugglefluff along with them on their globetrotting adventure. But seriously, don’t be that guy; even if you’re in a country where puppies aren’t dim sum, other parts of the world don’t have vet clinics with emergency hours and rabies are considered part of the local color.

5 Things Every Traveler Should Bring Abroad

The moment you start telling people that you’re going abroad, it seems everyone from your older cousin to the hobo down the street has advice on what you should and should not bring. But before you go and trade Boxcar Larry advice for sponge baths, here is the definitive list of things every traveler should pack before stepping out on that tarmac:

1) Duct tape.

Duct tape – beyond making sweet ass prom ensembles – has saved my physical sweet ass on many, MANY occasions. From resuscitating ripped luggage to constructing impromptu pillow fortresses, duct tape is a traveler’s cure-all.

2) Peanut butter.

“But Anna,” you cry, bosoms heaving, “I’ll just buy food once I land!” Aw, that’s cute. But no, seriously, you are going to die. If you plan on traveling anywhere outside of Paris and/or Denny’s, just keep a jar on hand.

3) Medical kit.

Seemingly a no-brainer that lots of brainless folk forget is a basic medical kit. You don’t need anything fancy: a thermometer, Advil, Band-Aids, and some kind of antiseptic is plenty for most everyone. The last thing you want to do is try your luck in a Cambodian hospital because you nicked yourself shaving and contracted the plague.

4) Towel.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy had the right idea with this one – a towel is indispensible when you’re living the expat life. From sketchy guesthouses to makeshift bedding, your own towel provides all the comfort of a blanky with all the manliness of a jetfighter.

5) Water bottle (with filter).

It blows my mind how many people think of this as an unnecessary luxury – or who would think that if they didn’t keep dying of cholera. Unless you plan on traveling as far as the Pacific Northwest, invest in one of these babies and let the good times roll. Your colon will thank you.

'The Joy Luck Club' lied to me.

It has been an interesting first month here in China. Just a few cases of food poisoning later, and I already feel I am finally getting my sea legs.

For all intensive purposes, this is me.

That isn’t to say it has been without frustrations. I learned, for example, that “Chinese almonds” are not, in fact, almonds at all! They are cyanide-laden apricot pits and eating them raw will most definitely kill you. The good news? Chinese hospitals are everything you ever thought they were and I have a body adept at metabolizing poisons.

But now that I benefit from a squeaky-clean intestinal track and a new appreciation for the FDA, it’s time to get down to business: The business of figuring out how to access my Blogger without resorting to taking ferries from the mainland every time I have such delightful observations to post.

I’ve been debating whether to just bite the bullet and buy a VPN, but somehow that seems like a cop out. As a child of the Internet Age, shouldn’t I be able to maneuver around a measly little Communist firewall? Answer: Yes.

Stop being a pussy,
A